How To Succeed at Hogwarts Without Really Trying
by memeluver01
Summary: Fifth year at Hogwarts is strenuous for all students, especially for Kelly and Mary, two clearly adventurous girls who find it easier to focus on attractive teachers and having a good time rather than studying for their O.W.L.s. Creative and adventurous minds lead to creative adventurous things, and sometimes such things lead to Kelly and Mary fighting for their lives.
1. Chapter 1

Mary sat alone in her compartment, her owl hooting happily beside her. The short haired girls mind wandered to memes and she smiled fondly. She especially loved the

Troll Face meme and began singing the Troll song under her breath, a sting of nostalgia suddenly hitting her hard. Today was the last day Mary would see a meme for a

long time.

Suddenly, the compartment door swung open and a girl with chin length brown hair stepped inside, her blue orbs widening in disbelief as she looked Mary up and

down. "It's you," she stated simply.

"It is I," Mary said as she rose to her feet, "and you are CoolFarts114. We have met at last, my dear friend."

They embraced and Mary felt a stiffness press into the side of her thigh. She let go and stepped back, frightened, "Whoa, Kelly, is that a banana in your pocket?"

"As a matter of fact, it is," Kelly smiled as she pulled the yellow fruit from her pocket and offered it to Mary. "I brought it for you."

Mary gasped and stepped back suddenly, and an offended look appeared on her face. She refused to meet Kelly's eyes. "I can't believe, after all this time, you would

continue with such tom-foolery."

An exasperated sound escaped from Kelly and she chucked the banana into the train corridor behind her. The fruit obviously made contact with something solid

because a groan of pain floated through the air and into their compartment.

Both Mary and Kelly had taken a seat when Draco Malfoy appeared, a red bump stood out profusedly on his forehead. "Is this your banana?" He asked, but the skin of

the fruit had already been pulled back and a chunk was missing from the banana. Draco chewed it obscenely.

Mary inquired, "Do you eat whatever hits you in the head?"

"I bet he does the same with doodles," Kelly whispered so only Mary could hear.

The short haired girl let out a loud laugh, borederline screaming. "DOODLES!" She repeated.

Kelly rolled her eyes; Mary's laugh always gave her a headache, even on Club Penguin when she couldn't even hear her.

"Thanks for the snack," Draco left the compartment, a bounce in his step. He must really enjoy bananas.

***

After hours of listening to Kelly talk about their teacher, Professor Snape, Mary began to tease her about having a crush on their greasy teacher. A blush crept to Kelly's

cheeks when she denied it, but she couldn't help the way her stomach flipped when she thought of her and Snape sharing a bed. Snelly, she called it.

Hogwarts castle began to come into view and the train slowed to a stop. Mary opened the window of the train and stepped out, beckoning Kelly to follow her. Waiting in

lines weren't their thing.

"Be free," Mary said as she opened her owl's cage. The bird didn't budge, so Kelly kicked the side of the cage, "GET OUT!" She yelled angrily.

The owl, Destiel, flew from his cage and into the sky toward the castle.

The two girls began making their way toward the carriages and Mary wouldn't shut up about some show called Attack on Titan. Kelly had learned a long time ago how to

tune these things out.

There was only one carriage without people in it and Kelly pushed Mary aside so she could climb in first. "Whoa, buddy."

"Shut up," Kelly said.

"HOLD - ON!" Someone screamed between pants, and the girls looked to see Neville sprinting toward their carriage, a weird plant clutched in his hands.

He finally climbed into the carriage and sat beside Mary.

Kelly asked, "You always have plants with you, do you blaze it?"

Neville shifted uncomfortably, "My grandma said I'm not allowed to participate in 420."

"Nice cock - I mean plant!" Mary blurted out, blushing.

Kelly laughed at her stupidity; she always thought Neville seemed the type to have a chode.

The rest of the ride to the castle was spent with Kelly asking Neville questions about Snape, because Neville always had to stay after and clean whatever he fucked up

that day in potions.

By the way Neville described it, Snape was terrifying in an arousing way, and he fondly recalled the last time he popped a boner during class.

***

They all parted ways when they arrived in the Great Hall, Kelly heading towards the Slytherin table, and Mary sauntered to the Hufflepuff table. It was lonely without

Cedric. She began to cry.

Dumbledore walked to the podium and spread his arms wide, his eyes twinking, "Welcome, welcome!"

No one ever listened to his speech; most people liked the old man so they kept his eyes upon him and thought of other things.

Kelly, for instance, thought of Snape and the way his black robes matched his black hair and brought out his black eyes. If his skin was black, then he would just be a

shadow, but his skin was milky white. Kelly felt aroused.

Mary had been watching her from across the hall for a while, and she followed her gaze to the table in the front where Professor Snape was sitting. To her surprise,

Snape was staring back at Kelly, but neither of them did much more.

Getting Kelly's attention seemed like a good idea, so Mary cupped her hands around her mouth and screeched, "CACKAW!"

Dumbledore had stopped his speech and joined everyone as they swiveled their heads in Mary's direction. Everyone except Kelly, at least; she was still in a heated stare

-down with Snape.

Mary looked at Dumbledore and saw his eyes weren't twinkling anymore, but were replaced with an almost murderous look that read "don't interrupt my fuckin' speech

with yo bird calls, bitch."

Snape took everyone's distraction as an oppurtunity to wink at Kelly, just to see her reaction.

The blue eyed girl shifted in her seat, her breath hitching as Snape winked and smirked at her.

There was a squeal beside her, and Pansy Parkinson said, "Fuck, he just winked at me!"

Kelly turned her head 360 degrees to stare at Pansy, venom had already begun to leak from the corners of her mouth and she felt the familiar tug of claws trying to

burst through the skin on her hands. She controlled herself; now was not a good time to show her true form.

"HA, YOU FUCKIN WISH, BITCH!" Kelly shouted in her face.

Pansy snorted and tossed her hair behind her shoulder, "Why would he like you?"

"You look like a fucking pig." Kelly spat.

Dumbledore had apparently finished his speech, because the hall filled with chatter and the plates began to fill with food.

Mary appeared moments later at the Slytherin table and grabbed Pansy's plate, "Hey, guys!" She greeted and began stacking spotted dick onto her plate. She served

Kelly a generous amount of dick as well.

"Hello, guys!" Mary tried again, but still, no one said hello to her, not even Kelly. She ate in silence.


	2. Chapter 2

Kelly awoke to the sounds of frustrated groans and yells from her fellow Slytherins. Pansy Parkinson was still fast asleep though, snot dripping from her pig nose. Kelly grimaced and considered shoving a few knives into her stomach, just for good measure, because no one goes near her man. Just as she was about to pull the weapons from her trunk, Draco Malfoy appaeared in the doorway of the girls' dorm. His expression said it all; Mary was being annoying again.

Kelly sighed and closed her trunk - murdering Pansy would have to wait until later, now she had to stop her friend from embarrassing herself even more. She pulled her robes on and made her way down the staircase and into the common room. Her friends were sitting on the black leather couches with irratated expressions; one of them, Blaise Zabini, opened his mouth to express his annoyance, but Kelly heard it before he could speak.

"KELLY HELLO, COME OUT BEFORE ALL THE DICK IS GONE. KELLY, I KNOW YOU'RE BEHIND THIS WALL. SNAPE IS OUT HERE. I SAW YOU LOOKIN AT HIM. COME OOOOON, I'LL SUCK YOUR DOODLE IF YOU COME OUT."

Kelly's blue eyes widened, not at the fact that Mary had openly screamed her crush on Snape, but because she couldn't believe her friend actually knew where the common room was. She sighed sadly; the Slytherin common room was the only place she could escape from Mary. Now there was no where else for her. She felt empty.

Grudginly, Kelly stepped outside the common room to face Mary. "FUCK OFF."

"Good morning," Mary greeted as if her friend didn't just scream in her face, "Come on, let's get down to the Great Hall before all the spotted dick is gone. I love me some dick."

Kelly's stomach growled - she could never pass up spotted dick. Never.

Without saying a word, the two girls made their way back up the stairs and into the Entrance Hall. Mary's short hair looked messier than ever and Kelly wondered dimly if she had spent the night with Neville.

"Did you fuck Longbottom?" Kelly asked loudly so the students around them could hear. A few of them gagged.

"No, I had a tousle." Mary replied.

Kelly quirked an eyebrow, "with who?"

"A tousle," she repeated.

Mary pushed open the large doors of the Great Hall, a sexual groan excaped from her throat as she did so. "Excuse me," she said.

Kelly had learned not to say anything a long time ago. She let her eyes wander to the table in the front of the hall; Snape sat there, spooning at his porridge. He seemed distracted.

Kelly took her seat at the Slytherin table but did not immediately eat; she couldn't bring herself to stop staring at Professor Snape. She loved the way some strands of his greasy black hair slipped into his bowl, and she especially loved the way he lifted it up and sucked it off obscenely.

Mary had come sprinting to the Slytherin table, a look of panic was splayed across her face, "Please tell me there's spotted dick at your table. The Hufflpuffs - we love dick - we can't stop eating it. It's gone. All of it is gone."

Luckily, there was still a plate of spotted dick at the table. Kelly slid the plate towards them as Mary took a seat beside her.

"How's Snape?" Mary inquired as she split the dick in half and inhaled deeply, a smile stretching across her face. The sweet smell of spotted dick was enough to make anyone smile.

"Hot," Kelly replied simply. She barely noticed the large slab of dick Mary had placed on the plate in front of her; she was distracted by Snape again.

Slytherin and Hufflepuff had double potions together first period, and as Mary and Kelly took a seat in the front of the class and began lighting their cauldrons, Snape stalked in and came directly to their desk.

"Bach!" He spat at Mary, black eyes shining menacingly, "What do you think you're doing?!"

Mary jumped back in fright and stammered, "I - I'm lighting my cauldron, sir!"

"I can see that, stupid girl! I meant why are you sitting in the front of the room?!"

Tears had already began to stream down Mary's face, "why you no nice to me?"

Snape stalked away, "10 points from Hufflepuff!"

Kelly yelled, "HA HA," but she secretly wished Snape was yelling at her instead. She secretly wished a lot of things, like Snape slamming her against a wall, or Snape's hooked nose tickling her skin as he smelled her.

The rest of the class had gone like this; Mary complaining about having to touch weird ingredients for the potion, Kelly throwing the incorrect ingredients into Mary's cauldron to fuck her up, Snape screaming at Mary and deducting more points from Hufflepuff, and Kelly imagining more fantasies with Snape.

As the bell rang, Kelly took her chance and shoved her cauldron to the floor. Purple liquid that smelled highly of roses spread across the cold, black floor. "OH NO," Kelly yelled loud enough so that Snape could hear, "IT SEEMS I HAVE KNOCKED OVER MY CAULDRON. HOWEVER WILL I CLEAN IT?"

"Oh, I'll do it for you," Mary offered and pulled her wand out of her robes.

"NO," Kelly screamed and delivered a hard kick to Mary's shin. The short haired girl fell over and clutched at her leg, her eyes brimming with tears.

"It seems," Snape said slowly, creeping up behind Kelly, "that you will have to stay after class and ... clean up this mess."

Kelly replied dreamily, "Yes, Professor."

Mary had gotten up off the floor and was about to leave the room when Snape said, "Oh, and another 5 points from Hufflepuff."

She opened her mouth to argue, but decided against it and instead made her way out of the dungeon. Kelly faintly heard her mumbling something about racism, but that didn't matter, because she was alone with Snape now and things were about to get funky as hell.


End file.
